It was 6 years ago, in June 2011 that i realized that my grandmother was going to die from pancreatic cancer. I remember standing in the shower, letting the hot water run down my face, washing away my tears. At that time, I couldn't understand why God would take someone so important from me. Someone I couldn't imagine living my life without.
In August of 2011, We came home from Canada and found out that my grandpa had cancer. Less than 8 weeks later, He was gone. It was hard. It was like hitting me over the head with a brick. I realized that even though i was probably going to lose my grandma, at least i was able to spend the last couple of months with her instead of losing her so quickly like i did my grandfather.
Fast forward to 2015.... It started out as an amazing year with different road then i had planned on walking on. I learned a lot while dating Jordan. Learned about myself, learned about my family, and learned about how confusing life is.
Life doesn't turn out the way you plan. God has his own way of showing you that he has everything in control and that even though you think that that certain path is the right one, you might not see it now, you might never see it but everything will turn out the best way possible.
I've learned that i like to be in control and i don't like my life to change. I like a schedule.
Last fall was hard. I didn't want to do school, even though it was a good way to take my mind off my life, it was a good way to be in control. I didn't want to work because emotionally i saw him everywhere and i hate that. I couldn't erase him from my life and i wasn't even sure if i wanted to.
In February when i started dating Nick, I think subconsciously i expect to feel the same way when dating Nick that i did when i was dating Jordan. But the thing i just realized is that it won't be the same because i'm not the same. I'm not that girl that first talked to Jordan. I'm not the one that feels like shes in complete control of her life. Because When i started dating Jordan, I would have said i had pretty good control of my life. but Not now. definitely not now
It's never the same. After something big in your life happens. nothings the same. The feelings you had or the thoughts or your plans for the future. Nothings the same.
Jordan asked the other day, he knows that i would date him all over again if i had to go back in time but would i date Nick? That made me pause. I would. I wouldn't trade these few months with nick in order to have Jordan for 6 months again. I rather have Nick.Because my relationship with him, Isn't the same as my relationship with Jordan. I love Nick.
He makes me feel complete. I can be myself. I can joke, with my humor that could kill sometimes. I can be my clingy self and That's okay with him. He makes me feel safe and when i see his smile, I feel like I've been waiting for that everyday of my life, even if it's only been a couple of hours since I've seen him last. His smile melts my heart and makes me really happy.
No Life hasn't turned out the way i fought so hard for it to be. But you know what, God's plan is always better. Even though last fall was hard, Jordan and i are still Friends. Nolan and I are still friends. And I've been able to move on from Jordan, and Date a wonderful man.